Ahhhh

It is crawling up on midnight again.
Another lonely night following a lonely day.
I pitter patter around my house wincing at the student loans I owe.  All that for nothing.
I glance at a pile here and there, all showing my disorganization.  Once upon a time, I know this would never have lasted a day, never mind indefinitely.  I am Queen of Organization but who cares and why bother?  It can all wait as there is nothing to fill my time from one day to the next anyway.

I feel as if I may lose my mind any minute.  It makes me miss the past.  The past friends.  The past coping mechanisms.  Those times seemed so much easier.
In the past, I felt like I was living.  Now I just feel like I am waiting to die.  It takes me minutes to stand up.  Everything feels as if it is just breaking when I try.  My knees make awful cracking sounds.  My hands and feet are swollen beyond recognition.  I wonder if my period will come every two weeks or every two months?  Chest pains are frequent from childhood until now.  My hair has started falling out again.

I took the advice of the PCP and Endo and got a recommendation to the "best" GYN.  He was rough and fast and I had to beg him to look at my labs.  He flipped thru the first 3 out of 30 and sent me on my way.  The bottom line: I'm F*$^#&.  I cannot believe I paid him for that!  He put me back on oral contraceptives.  It seems as though I have come full circle since this time last year.  I went through the wringer and am back in the same spot.  I heard for the millionth time..."It is too difficult to bother with hormone regulation".  Of course, I believe it now as I have this doom and gloom DX of PCOS.  It will make you huge, bald, infertile, tired oh and there's no cure.  I will add that to my list of incurable swelling and incurable neck and incurable lower back.

Whah anyway...this song popped into my head...it is back from my "Steve Days".  I am not a big metal fan but this one was pretty good.  Biohazard.  Ooo Steve that is a topic for blogging discussion in the near future. I even have pictures. ; )

Biohazard Waiting To Die lyrics

Drug infested, narcotic, electric, schizophrenic,
Murderer arrested, a child molested, a race detested,
A building burnt down, insurance invested,
Homelessness lingers all around, rape, death, sickness,
Homeward bound unemployed, no love, no joy,
Cut down to size, a life destroyed, war, no peace,
Death, tragedy, no cure, disease, AIDS, leprosy,
A veteran dead below the knee, eyes burn in your head,
You cannot see.
Spending all my time just standing in line,
And I'm waiting, waiting to die,
Watching every day of my life go by,
Just waiting, waiting to die.
Children beaten, poisons eaten, look at the world, we're self-defeating,
Reputed, undisputedly polluted, crack heads with guns ain't afraid to shoot it,
Countries fighting for oil and gold while the hole in the ozone layer's out of control,
Brother kills brother in a world full of hate, too fucking late our heads on a plate,
Nature's dying, children crying, human race ass in a fucking pan frying,
With no one to blame except ourselves, greed transforms our earth into hell.
Murder, Middle East assassination, extermination, human termination,
The war on drugs, humiliation,
A ruined nation, with no explanation.
Something to hide bound and gagged and tied,
A gun in your hand at your head, suicide,
It's censorship of my pure mind,
No justice, no truce, no hope to find.