Fat ole me

My Grandmother raised me since I was a baby.  She is the only mother I remember.  We used to talk everyday on the phone.  Everyday until recently.  I tell my family and friends about the reason why we have fallen apart but I think no one really, truly believes me.  They laugh nervously or say "No Way!" when I explain the situation.  Here is a little background...about two years ago I began having medical problems.  Hot flashes, hair loss, acne, irregular periods, a pituitary tumor, fatigue, a 40 pound weight gain, insulin resistance etc.  I have been to doctors from Miami to Boston.  Finally, I got a diagnosis and a medication that was appropriate. (Prior to that I was on a truckload of steroids a day.)

Every single day, my phone call to my grandmother was her telling me I was fat, chubby and unrecognizable to her.  She said things like "Don't come to Tampa to visit us until you lose that weight."  Or she'd say "You used to be so pretty", "How do you not throw up when you look in the mirror?", "What are you doing?  Are you losing any weight?"  She never knew when to stop.

I am a pretty tough, confident woman.  If I was any other woman, I may have started vomiting after every banana.  I was smart enough to know that this was a medical issue that needed a medical solution.  After months of trying to explain this all to her though...well, it has changed me.  I kind of hate her now.  She knew I was down on the ground praying to find one single doctor that knew what they were doing and she just kept kicking me and kicking me.  She did not care that there was something medically wrong she just said I had no will power and that I was disgusting.  Month after month after month she kicked me.  She kicked the feeling of love and respect right out of my soul.  She hates me, my short hair, my tattoos.  I just hate that I have to hate her.  She is all I have.  She is the only Mom I have and she sucks.  She has always sucked.  Growing up she sucked.  I thought it was me all along...teenage clashing and differences of opinion but it isn't.  She is screwed up and miserable inside.  She is fake to everyone at every moment of the day.  She is emotionally unavailable.

I wish I had some other Mother.  I think that I could have really been someone more if I had someone good to look up to.  As my earlier post says about Oprah...I just want a hero, a role model, someone to look up to.  Why is that impossible?