Scars

There are many scars.  Scars on our skin.  Scars on our souls.  Scars on our hearts.  I stare at the crook of my arm and think about the morning.  They are going to jab me with a needle before the last probe mark has healed.  That is true of all of them I guess.  We have no time to heal in between the kicks in the gut.  They just keep coming.  We tell ourselves and each other little sayings..."Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger" or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" or "When a door is closed a window opens"  Is is really ok that we keep getting kicked in the gut?  I feel angry and sad.  The waves of reality drown my spirit and make me not want to open my eyes...ever, ever again.  There is no moment sacred from the curses.  I watch my skydiving video from my 30th birthday.  What a wonderful time!  Such joy and excitement!  I try to forget I got in my car and nearly died minutes later at the hands of a teenager who did not know how to drive.  I try to forget the chiropractic appts three times a week for fourteen weeks, the xrays, the MRIs, the pain management appts, the emotional stress, losing my car, the orthopedic surgeon appts, the needles in my spine, the days that I tried SO hard to just sit at my desk at work without crying.  My marriage falls apart because of this.  The fact is the scars will never heal.  The fact is that the court deposition in Tampa come Jan. 2010 will not make one single thing better.

IF

If I were to blog every day it would just be me spewing acidic hatred....
like today....whose great idea is Thanksgiving?  stupid shit.

Warm, sunny Saturdays ---sort of

Nothing is better than my mornings.  They are the best!  Coffee-mate creamer in a piping hot cup o joe...mmm.  The levels of hormones are as good as they get.  I feel energized and blissful.  Ahh to feel rested.  The flavor of the day is Gingersnap.  It makes my tongue tingle a little.  Mmmm.  I almost feel as if I can conquer some of these tasks.  Right up until noon anyway.

I try to create my own routine even though I am by myself.  This way there is a reason to get out of bed in the morning and hobble around.  I try to stand myself upright.  My feet are SO swollen that it is hard to put pressure on them.  They feel as if they are going to explode.  It's funny I never realized this is because they were swollen until about a week ago.  I just thought they hurt.  I mean, doesn't everyone have trouble standing and walking?

I walk around the home improvement stores.  After just 30 minutes my lower back is throbbing.  I finally decided to use the little electric scooters.  I try to make the best out of it.  I had my hubby take a pic and I tried to laugh about it.  Inside, my heart is breaking as I know I am 30 and my body is done with this world.  At the mall a week ago my grandparents told me that they needed to rest for a bit.  They apologized to me.  Little do they know I have wanted to sit down for a good while.

I love my cereal in the morning...and in the afternoon....and before bed...mmmm.  It is so hard to twist the cap off the milk.  Even picking up the gallon to remove it from the fridge door stinks.  I had decided that the swelling and joint pain was arthritis.  Then, I had the whole bilateral carpal tunnel fiasco.  I thought, surely I'll be cured after this.  I'm not even sure if they did anything other than slice my wrists open.  Well, better them than me.  All the hand and wrist issues are still there.  The only thing different is my checkbook. Cheers!