motivation and a lack thereof

I sit day after day thinking
So many projects to do
Each day comes and goes and I lack the motivation
I've been lacking the motivation for what feels like forever
I think that it may be something chemical within me
I know that I can have a lot of get up and go
It has been gone for a while

Once upon a time, I had awful issues with anxiety
I was given Klonopin, Valium, Xanax and Ativan
NOTHING worked!
Since that time I have noticed it has waned significantly
Recently the same anxious feelings came back ten fold
I took some Progesterone for 3 days and Whalah! Gone!

This leads me to question depression, fatigue, anxiety....
How many things are we given a Benzo or SSRI for when we truly need something totally different?
How many times have I wondered why that medication was unsuccessful?
The answer: many

I wish that I could find out what hormone is related to energy and motivation.
Unfortunately, education materials do not catagorize things like that.
They look at weight gain, insomnia, hot flashes etc.
My gut tells me - my gut KNOWS that everything is related.

My list:

• move pictures into new (well, October 2009) photo software
• paint most of the walls
• touch up paint MBA
• scan old photos
• ebay t's, boots and tickets
• watch Life with Jim
• take down wire in kitchen
• find a job
• get a coffee grinder replacement
• learn how to set up the projector

blah blah blah

Hmmm

I was on Facebook tonight looking at my best girl's profile and low and behold there was my ex-husband.  I am stunned.  I am choking back surprising tears.  Wow.  Who knew that was in there?

I have been off of all my Bio identical hormone replacement therapy for nearly 3 months.  I just got all my baselines levels drawn Nov. 17th at Dr. Glickman's office.  For about 3 days I have been having raging hot flashes again.  Maybe the ACTH cort stim test is related to the crazy hormone levels?  I haven't had a hot flash like this in months!  I'm not one to blame emotions on hormones but HELLO!

Hello to sadness.  Hello to tears.  Hello to not wanting to get out of bed..period.  How is a person to stay sane thru all of this?

I receive an email from Dr. Hunton, my PCP that started all the official hormone issue uncovering.  She is no longer able to bill insurance companies.  Granted she dropped the ball on making referrals for me...and she kinda lacks the ability to follow up on, well, anything...but she is the only doctor between Tampa and Melbourne that believes in hormone issues.  I will miss her.  She has started my ball rolling.  Without her, I would not be ANYWHERE!  I am SURE of it.