Chit chat

I sit with family, friends, and acquaintances.  The topics always go to the same directions....wahhh! :(  There is no cheerful, silly convos anymore.  It is a struggle to think of something that doesn't make everyone suicidal.  It got me thinking about that Billy Joel song, We Didn't Start the Fire....

Liars, Torte reform, racism, faces scorn.
Global warming, pesticides, how much can we really hide?
Baby boomers come and go.  There's still dying in the Congo.
Diabetes rates gone high, drug companies being sly.
Car jackings, plane jackings I can't take another jacking.
Haiti gets rocked away, all the people have no say.
Bankruptcy, conspiracy, bail outs from heaven.
Drug use to ease the pain.  Prescription pills and cocaine.
Working 16 hour days we still can't pay our bills.
The doctors do not care no more.  6 minutes and out the door.
Cheating spouses, genocide, traffic and homicide.
Who knows where to start?  Somebody get a heart.
Bush haters.  Go Gators!  Obama's here to save us.
We didn't start the fire.
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we're trying to fight it.

Fat ole me

My Grandmother raised me since I was a baby.  She is the only mother I remember.  We used to talk everyday on the phone.  Everyday until recently.  I tell my family and friends about the reason why we have fallen apart but I think no one really, truly believes me.  They laugh nervously or say "No Way!" when I explain the situation.  Here is a little background...about two years ago I began having medical problems.  Hot flashes, hair loss, acne, irregular periods, a pituitary tumor, fatigue, a 40 pound weight gain, insulin resistance etc.  I have been to doctors from Miami to Boston.  Finally, I got a diagnosis and a medication that was appropriate. (Prior to that I was on a truckload of steroids a day.)

Every single day, my phone call to my grandmother was her telling me I was fat, chubby and unrecognizable to her.  She said things like "Don't come to Tampa to visit us until you lose that weight."  Or she'd say "You used to be so pretty", "How do you not throw up when you look in the mirror?", "What are you doing?  Are you losing any weight?"  She never knew when to stop.

I am a pretty tough, confident woman.  If I was any other woman, I may have started vomiting after every banana.  I was smart enough to know that this was a medical issue that needed a medical solution.  After months of trying to explain this all to her though...well, it has changed me.  I kind of hate her now.  She knew I was down on the ground praying to find one single doctor that knew what they were doing and she just kept kicking me and kicking me.  She did not care that there was something medically wrong she just said I had no will power and that I was disgusting.  Month after month after month she kicked me.  She kicked the feeling of love and respect right out of my soul.  She hates me, my short hair, my tattoos.  I just hate that I have to hate her.  She is all I have.  She is the only Mom I have and she sucks.  She has always sucked.  Growing up she sucked.  I thought it was me all along...teenage clashing and differences of opinion but it isn't.  She is screwed up and miserable inside.  She is fake to everyone at every moment of the day.  She is emotionally unavailable.

I wish I had some other Mother.  I think that I could have really been someone more if I had someone good to look up to.  As my earlier post says about Oprah...I just want a hero, a role model, someone to look up to.  Why is that impossible?

Friends

Sometimes you have a friend for years and you never grow the ability to be honest.
One day you decide to try to spill your guts about something and they fly off the handle.
Even something small and insignificant like telling them to stop sending you spam.
Is it because you should have been honest a little at a time, all along?
If you start off being frank then everyone just hates you from the get-go...?
If that is the case, then you never have the chance to really know each other at all.
I never lie to my friends.  That is not what I am talking about.
I am talking about being the kind of friend that tells you when you have spinach in your teeth.
I know I want those kinds of friends.
I guess other people don't.
I find it very hard to be confrontational with anyone.  I want to feel comfortable enough in my friendships that a person can tell me when to shut my pie hole.  Am I the only person that feels that friendship should be more than just a yes-man kind of relationship?

I am a "I'm sorry man".  I apologize for things that could never have been my fault.  Sometimes I use is as a filler...."I'm sorry you got in a car accident".  I sometimes use it when I don't want to.  I use it when I want to say something completely different.  I have tried to use other lines to say how I REALLY feel.  My husband uses the line "That is not acceptable" frequently.  I have taken that one on.  It tends to be just too perfect pretty damn often....There is not an open sick visit with your PCP for 6 weeks.  The cell phone bill shows up with a text message charge even though we have shut off text messaging 78 times.  The computer at the bank is down for the fourth time this week.  I just cannot say "I'm sorry" anymore or "it's ok".  Oooo "It's OK" is another BAD one!!!  Ya know what?  It is NOT OK!!!  It is not OK that you raised my interest rate on my credit card when I have been a perfect customer for 5 years.  It is not ok that my car interior is melting and you don't feel that it is a warranty issue.  When in the world did everyone become unaccountable?  OMG it is nights like tonight I wish that I drank!

Remember

I remember....... life before facebook? : /
The hairdos of the 80s?!
When 7am was "late"?
The mornings I could get out of bed without wincing.
Having a crush on Mr. Ryalls (apparently everyone did).

Eating a whole bag of Oreos or Chips Ahoy at one sitting.
Illene and Dolly being slightly emotionally abusive while teaching me to ride horses.
Having a blue fish in the fish tank? lol
The view off my fav balcony in Clarksville, TN.....

Soooo many memories.

Rainy Days and Horses

There are my new friends Justin and Rosie

They introduced me to Lexi

Lexi has a ton of personality.  She likes to trick me and I think she is going straight until she goes left....ouch.  I think she has stopped but she is moving on forward .....into her stall.....with a very short door.....with me still on her back.....OUCH!

I think after a bit we will come to an understanding.  One that involves less ouches and more apples.  

She loves apples.  I love feeding them to her.  That is a good start!  :)

Today is rainy.  I am going out there anyway.  I am going to bring apples and pull some weeds and such.  Less low branches will equal even less ouches.  Yay!