Deco Envy

It is crucial to not be envious of what others have. If you want for things you do not have then you will go mad, truly.  I know this first hand from searching for the perfect...fill in the blank.


   “We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” Frederick Keonig

I have spent a lot of time home in the last 9 months. I have done a lot of HGTV watching..and I mean A LOT.  From Color Splash to House Hunters International my mouth has drooled over paint colors and gardens.  I just keep wondering, why can't I do that?  Am I too scared to paint my bedroom walls gray?  Am I not willing to spend $3k on a totally awesome couch for the front room?  Do I just not have access to the places decorators do to find these fab pieces?  All of the above I suppose.  It will be good for me to return to work and stop pining over what my home looks like (or doesn't look like rather).  After all once I start leaving before the sun comes up again I will not even realize what color my bedroom is painted.  *sigh*

Going back to work brings up another "envy" topic.  As the universe knows, I love Oprah.  I watch her show religiously and pine over Nate Berkus, Lisa Ling, Gayle King etc.  I want to be them!  I want to travel around with world and report on the news of the day.  I want to be the one in the trenches next to a soldier getting shot at.  I want to report from the borders of North Korea or from the marshland of Mississippi.  In all honesty, I don't want to be trapped in a nursing home for 8 hours a day. *big sigh*  Yes, I am happy to have a job.  I do realize that I am fortunate to not be laid off anymore.  But I can't help asking myself...what about my dreams?  

Yikes

If I only had time before work in the morning to write a blog or read a blog which would I choose???
...see ya

Nothing like a little pooh to make a girl happy!

...Yes, you read that right!  I was convinced that I was having a bad day.  My script cannot be filled.  I have been working on it since Friday and first it was the insurance company and then it was the pharmacy..grrr!  My Brighthouse cable/tv bill is screwed up two months in a row.  That is where I spent my morning.  I am on my second iphone 4 and am about to give that back.  Anyway, it all started to look up when my new lil guy went to the back sliding door and cried and cried to be let outside.....and then....you guessed it....he POOPED!  OUTSIDE!!!  Yay!  5 weeks into potty training and finally he is getting it!    Ahh he had NO idea how much I needed that this morning! : D  Carry on folks.

courtesy of Uncle Dave ~ Lake Winnepesake, NH 2004

courtesy of Uncle Dave May 5, 2007

Kudos to Lauren O'Connell

I found this girl today by accident this morning.  I am so impressed.  Check her out.  I liked her music so much that I bought one of her songs here.

I Call Do-over!

I am tired of throwing together blogs that are not thoughtful or articulate.  I have been writing since about age 8 and I have never been so careless.  I think I won't hit "publish" on this one until it speaks to me.  That is what blogging is about: venting it with passion so others can really get the picture you're painting.  I have WAY too much to say lately as I have not really had an adult to talk to since June 15th.  As I passed the one month mark I contemplated pulling my hair out except... well, it has started falling out again all by itself.  Ho hum.  Yesterday and today I put on my focus cap and went to town.  I cleaned counters, bagged clothes to donate, made to-do lists, swept, vacuumed, did 10 tons of laundry just trying to find my piece of mind.  My piece of mind is directly linked to the organization in my home.  I have lost it many moons ago and just keep experiencing growing frustration due to summer vacation, 9 months of unemployment and new puppy piles.  After two days of cleaning I feel like this is my old starting point (AKA BJC).  Prior to meeting Jim, Heather and Dan I used to have a space to call my own and it was.....orgasmically clean and organized.  *gaze into sky and contemplate old times*  Somehow, I have lost my way.  When I try to get back to that place this is how close I can come: 

TLC Archive of Poetry Circa 2003

"Dedicated"

Quietness can heal your heart.

Courage can find it's way in the dark.

Life as I knew it has come to an end.

A new dawn has risen, it's peace became my friend.

It's like my eyes have opened for the very first time. 

There are hard truths to follow and memories unkind.

I look over my shoulder; I see my own face.

I remember my smiles.  I feel the disgrace.

But I know God now and I can feel his glory.

He can see into my eyes and He listens to my stories. 

He has forgiven me for the deepest of my sins.

He knows He has my heart and that He lives within.

So today and tomorrow I dedicate to Him.

I'll listen when He whispers so my days won't be so grim.

I'll learn from my mistakes to become a better me.

I can;t take back yesterday but with my future, all will see.

I can be smarter, more patient and kind. 

I can be wise, with the lessons learned in time.

"Crumbling"

Faces go by faster and faster.

One in a hundred has a smile that they've mastered.

The weight of life seems to heavy to carry.

Some turn to denial, their feelings they bury.

Coping is hard, the shrinks dig through the masses.

Our self esteem plummets, our happiness crashes.

There's no simple answers to the questions at hand.

More of ourselves we have to demand.

So much for Buddha

I'm sitting here reading a blog of some happy woman and I spin my chair around to see Petey eating (ok, shredding) my Buddha Board sticker.  There are little pieces stuck in his fur around his mouth and in the carpet around my office.  Boooo!  The demise of the Buddha Board last week was difficult enough.  Now the sticker is gone too :(  Ahhh youth..... the title cereal killer is sounding fab!  Did I mention finding the melted Andes candies from Olive Garden in my back seat this morning?

Uncle Dave ~ San Fran, CA ~ Photos to die for

So my Uncle Dave went to the Amalfi Coast recently in Italy.  I was so excited to see the pics and I highjacked them all off his flash drive.  He is the only person I know that actually picked up for over a year and traveled the world.  It was kinda their honeymoon.  Cool right?  I kept exclaiming "Oh My God that is the BEST picture!" which is something I don't normally do.  But Wow who can deny him that?

These are from Tuscany.

But seriously....

Where in the hell has the time gone?  I woke up fairly early this morning.  I spent one hour in yoga.  I spent 2 hours at a job interview.  All the other hours???  I guess I was taking care of everyone else and/or running errands.  Ugh cleaning Heather's room, inventorying homeless shelter donations, laundry x5 loads (maybe 6), bank, grocery shopping....Oh am I ready for bed.  Can't do that tho until Jim graces me with his presence.

So, my checkcard number was stolen.  Of all the places...the thief ordered stuff on Wal-Mart.com!  The largest of the transactions was declined (thank God) and SunTrust is working with me beautifully.  I thought things had been going too good lately *sigh*.

I had a job interview today at a nursing home Social Worker.  She said she will call me tomorrow.  I'll keep you posted.

I had thoughts to share but now I am tired and annoyed.  Tresha's sister came over to pick up Heather tonight and wined and complained about her trip to RI and her issues with a friend.  DUDE I DON'T CARE!  Shut the hell up.  I don't care about the father of your children.  I don't care about your moving residences.  I don't care about your childcare concerns just GO AWAY!  Why in the world does she think I am her shoulder to cry on?

Guess I better take my arse to bed before I say something else I am not "allowed"  to say.

P.S. On a positive note, yoga on the beach is an enlightening experience!

Why? Why!

I simply hate feeling this way. It is utterly ridiculous. Every so often my hormones go haywire and I get this feeling of complete panic, anxiety, and uncomfortable discontent. I hate it more than anything. I have found that if I take some Progesterone a time or two then I will feel better in a couple of days but omg I want it NOT to come back! It paralyzes me from being an active member of society, my family, anything.

Beachin' It

Lbs

I put on my yoga clothes this morning to attend the 11:45am class.  I have a new sapphire blue pair of shorts that are just long enough to cover my bum with a nice little curve.  I also had a great find on the Lululemon site (see below) that matched rather nicely. Jim and I stand at the mirror and evaluate...gettin' better. *sign of relief* Now, I am certainly not the most slender person in my yoga class but it is for sure that I am always the one with the least amount of clothes on. *chuckle*  I seem to have a certain crazy way with things in my mind.  I feel great.  I feel thin.  I feel like less clothes are always better in the studio where Annette fails to turn on the AC.  One thing is certain: Tara hates to sweat.  However, am I really skinny enough to be in class half naked?  Oddly enough, I don't really care.  I mean I am not the type to go out in a pair of pants that give me a muffin top.  If I wear a low rise pair of jeans, I make sure at least my shirt will cover my crack.  But in yoga, in the studio, I feel like if I can fit in it comfortably then I should wear it.  I kinda think that growing up with Dolly Stafford and MaryJean Eckert that I should be anorexic but I appear to be far from that.  I am focused on health first and foremost because really, that is all that should matter.  People telling me I am obese, fat, or disgusting just tells my mind to shrug them off.  I discount them because of the way they present their spiel (I had to look up sp. on that one-Ha).  Thank God for that because people can just be mean.  I suppose that my ability to ignore them is a defense mechanism.  It really is true tho that I know my medical condition, my healthy diet habits, my fluctuating hormones, my working hard once a day at class and no one can take that away from me.  I have lost 20 of the 40 pounds that I gained from being on steroids for a year and I am damn proud.  Booya!

 

Odds and Ends

Inspector Gadget.  Remember that cartoon?  I used to LOVE it!  Just recently I began reminiscing about Penny and her computer book.....ahhh *big grin* .....do you remember?  How bad did I (and prob you too) want one of those?  It did anything and everything and you could just carry it around!  Totally portable!  As I pressed the home button on my new iphone4 I let out a sigh of relief.  At least one of my childhood dreams came true <3

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I went to yoga tonight.  They made an announcement that the studio will be closed from Saturday until Tuesday for remodeling.  This is great news because they are going to be having the classes on the beach!  I have never officially done yoga on the beach (although I have done it by myself a little) and it seems like such a cool (actually anything but) thing to do!  I hope to coerce my cousin to take the AM class after our sunrise photo shoot Saturday morning.  

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All this talk about yoga and sunrise leads me to have to say....OH MY GOD I FEEL GREAT!

I've been afraid to utter the words but it's true!  Remember all my posts about lacking motivation and energy? I just wanted to sleep all the time?  Well,  I am waking up with a skip in my step...energetic, happy, motivated.  I have to tell ya'll it is really freaking weird.  I cannot remember the last time I felt this good.  Seriously.  What do I have to give credit to?  I have no idea.  Same diet.  Pretty much same sleep pattern.  Hmmmm well I am gonna just pray to my awesome God above that he does not take it away from me.  Yesterday I set up my iphone, downloaded a million pics to my Mac, took the dogs for their shots etc.  I am rocking and rolling and yee haw I hope it never ends.

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I hate to feel good when those I care about do not feel good.  My one and only sister (even if not biological) is spending her day today in Wisconsin.  Her Mom just passed away with brain cancer and she had the funeral today 10 hours from home.  With everything in me I wish I could take some of her pain away from her.

My cousin has been having an epically ridiculous week at work after a great week on vacation.  Again, I wish there was something I could do. *sigh*  I just shook my head pondering how in the hell things can go so very wrong so very fast?  It is crazy! 

I guess this is what life is all about... ups and downs sometimes quicker than a roller coaster.  I always anticipate the next swing when things are going too "right".  I just brace myself.  I am a strong believer in life after death.  I think that when we die we go up and plan out the next round.  This is all necessary to learn all the lessons.  After all, we could never learn everything in one round.  I think to myself: how would I have planned my life?  Would I have chosen to have all the good to happen in the beginning, or the end, or spread out through the middle?  Does one really bad event like losing your mom as an infant "even out" to years of say being picked on in school as a kid?  Some souls are just so obviously older than others....

Anyway, I am going to end my rant here as I must go enjoy the sunset :)

sunset from Bahamas cruise ship

sunset from Bahamas road

hate

I hate not being able to say what I want to say.  I hate being stifled in the very small world that I live in.  I want to go away...now.