Scars

There are many scars.  Scars on our skin.  Scars on our souls.  Scars on our hearts.  I stare at the crook of my arm and think about the morning.  They are going to jab me with a needle before the last probe mark has healed.  That is true of all of them I guess.  We have no time to heal in between the kicks in the gut.  They just keep coming.  We tell ourselves and each other little sayings..."Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger" or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" or "When a door is closed a window opens"  Is is really ok that we keep getting kicked in the gut?  I feel angry and sad.  The waves of reality drown my spirit and make me not want to open my eyes...ever, ever again.  There is no moment sacred from the curses.  I watch my skydiving video from my 30th birthday.  What a wonderful time!  Such joy and excitement!  I try to forget I got in my car and nearly died minutes later at the hands of a teenager who did not know how to drive.  I try to forget the chiropractic appts three times a week for fourteen weeks, the xrays, the MRIs, the pain management appts, the emotional stress, losing my car, the orthopedic surgeon appts, the needles in my spine, the days that I tried SO hard to just sit at my desk at work without crying.  My marriage falls apart because of this.  The fact is the scars will never heal.  The fact is that the court deposition in Tampa come Jan. 2010 will not make one single thing better.

IF

If I were to blog every day it would just be me spewing acidic hatred....
like today....whose great idea is Thanksgiving?  stupid shit.

Warm, sunny Saturdays ---sort of

Nothing is better than my mornings.  They are the best!  Coffee-mate creamer in a piping hot cup o joe...mmm.  The levels of hormones are as good as they get.  I feel energized and blissful.  Ahh to feel rested.  The flavor of the day is Gingersnap.  It makes my tongue tingle a little.  Mmmm.  I almost feel as if I can conquer some of these tasks.  Right up until noon anyway.

I try to create my own routine even though I am by myself.  This way there is a reason to get out of bed in the morning and hobble around.  I try to stand myself upright.  My feet are SO swollen that it is hard to put pressure on them.  They feel as if they are going to explode.  It's funny I never realized this is because they were swollen until about a week ago.  I just thought they hurt.  I mean, doesn't everyone have trouble standing and walking?

I walk around the home improvement stores.  After just 30 minutes my lower back is throbbing.  I finally decided to use the little electric scooters.  I try to make the best out of it.  I had my hubby take a pic and I tried to laugh about it.  Inside, my heart is breaking as I know I am 30 and my body is done with this world.  At the mall a week ago my grandparents told me that they needed to rest for a bit.  They apologized to me.  Little do they know I have wanted to sit down for a good while.

I love my cereal in the morning...and in the afternoon....and before bed...mmmm.  It is so hard to twist the cap off the milk.  Even picking up the gallon to remove it from the fridge door stinks.  I had decided that the swelling and joint pain was arthritis.  Then, I had the whole bilateral carpal tunnel fiasco.  I thought, surely I'll be cured after this.  I'm not even sure if they did anything other than slice my wrists open.  Well, better them than me.  All the hand and wrist issues are still there.  The only thing different is my checkbook. Cheers!

What I Am Thankful For

• The fudge ribbon cake that my grandmother makes every once in a while
• Knowing great people
• Petrillo's pizza
• Acorns
• Having the most awesome Godmother
• Soft grass that you can lay on
• Woodstock Wind Chimes www.chimes.com
• Trip to Butterfly World
• Getting to see Dawn this year
• The fab house that I live in
• Having a renter that pays the rent on time
• Eggnog Coffeemate Creamer
• My iphone
• HOSF
• Sunsets and sunrises
• Having the time and ability to volunteer
• Photos
• Finding a couple capable doctors
• My grandparents being healthy
• Inspiration
• Ikea
• The Original Pancake House   http://www.ophsf.fdn.com/
• Oprah
• Finding friends via Craig's List! Ha!!!
• Odie being a Mama's boy
• Learning how to grill
• My computer (somedays)
• Florida weather
• God
• Hallmark Card software
• Florida springs
• Having a good lawyer
• Colors
• Crocs www.crocs.com
• Blogging
• Flying kites on the beach
• Golashes AKA Wellies
• Networking
• Yoga

Ahhh so long ago

May 20th 2004

Jim and I ventured to Orlando to meet my Aunt Donna and fam.  We had such a great time just being together.  Jim and I curled up on the little couch like a ying yang.  That is what were were then.  All smiles.

Oprah Winfrey : All Good Things Must Come to an End

www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/19/oprah.ends.show/index.html

Hmmm

I was on Facebook tonight looking at my best girl's profile and low and behold there was my ex-husband.  I am stunned.  I am choking back surprising tears.  Wow.  Who knew that was in there?

I have been off of all my Bio identical hormone replacement therapy for nearly 3 months.  I just got all my baselines levels drawn Nov. 17th at Dr. Glickman's office.  For about 3 days I have been having raging hot flashes again.  Maybe the ACTH cort stim test is related to the crazy hormone levels?  I haven't had a hot flash like this in months!  I'm not one to blame emotions on hormones but HELLO!

Hello to sadness.  Hello to tears.  Hello to not wanting to get out of bed..period.  How is a person to stay sane thru all of this?

I receive an email from Dr. Hunton, my PCP that started all the official hormone issue uncovering.  She is no longer able to bill insurance companies.  Granted she dropped the ball on making referrals for me...and she kinda lacks the ability to follow up on, well, anything...but she is the only doctor between Tampa and Melbourne that believes in hormone issues.  I will miss her.  She has started my ball rolling.  Without her, I would not be ANYWHERE!  I am SURE of it.

I LOVE to decorate!

Who Am I?

I'm always changing

My mind

About everything

There is nothing to be satisfied about

I try to laugh.  I try to be "that" person.  It is utterly exhausting to fight against the universe.  I've always been a huge fan of the saying: Whatever doesn't kill you makes me stronger.  Now, I think I am dying.  My mind is dying.  My body is dying.  I am sick all the time.  I spoke to Ann tonight and told her I am ready to go to heaven.  She replied there are too many things she wants to see.  I know though that I can see them all - from heaven.

Miley

Miley...thanks for the song

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?

Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous

My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah,
And I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah, It's a party in the USA
Yeah, It's a party in the USA

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin at me now
Like “whos that chick, thats rockin’ kicks?
She gotta be from out of town”

So hard with my girls not around me
Its definitely not a Nashville party
Cause’ all I see are stilletos
I guess I never got the memo

My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune
and a Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah,
And I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah, It's a party in the USA
Yeah, It's a party in the USA

Feel like hoppin' on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me everytime (everytime)
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright!

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah (Oh, nodding my head)
Moving my hips like yeah, (Ooh Yeah)
And I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok (gonna be okay)
Yeah (huh huh), It's a party in the USA (Yeah)
Yeah, It's a party in the USA

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away (flying away)
Noddin’ my head like yeah (nodding my head like yeah)
Moving my hips like yeah, (moving my hips like yeah)
And I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok (I'm gonna be okay)
Yeah (Yeah), It's a party in the USA
Yeah (hahaha), It's a party in the USA (Party in the USA!)

I'm on my way in to the doctor by myself. I'm SO, SO nervous it's crazy. I thought, "I know
what to do!" I'm gonna throw my hands up! They're singing my song! The butterflies fly away! :)

I think I know, until I really don't

I woke up and climbed in the shower.  As the water is hitting my body I think of my doctor.  Is she in the shower doing the same?  Did she have a good night?  Is she in a good mood?  Will she hear me when I speak to her today?  Does she understand what a huge, huge impact she is going to have on my life?  I start to pray for her.  Please, please let her understand.  Let her have a good day until I arrive at 9am.  I reach for my annointing oil that my prayer warrier friend encouraged me to buy.  Heavenly Father please let today be the day.  Answers are a blessing.  Off to make the coffee...
So I sit down for a second (I think) at my laptop in my kitchen and I go for a glance at my hero's blog. http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/  I am captured by her words, her struggle, her success.  Tears are welling up and I want to share what she writes with everyone I have ever known as it effects me so deeply.  I just want to wrap my arms around her and pray for Him to create even more miracles in her life.  I cannot imagine being in her shoes.  Sometimes I cannot even imagine being in my own.  I know that she is a light for our world.  I thank her for that...I wish she could hear me....  Maybe someday she will.

Tic tock.... tic tock .....tic tock

Finally!  The day is here!  Dr. Penny Glickman, endocrinologist is going to help me get somewhere with this brain tumor.  I claim it.  I receive it.  Hallelujah.  Now if I could just go to sleep.....

My chest is pounding, the pain fumes from today's activities are swirling in my head, pondering the job interview in 14 hours, sad I never did get to call Dawn, wondering why my husband is losing his vision in both eyes, and hmmm how did my Cortisol levels come back at 14.0 on this Monday's lab when they were 7.4 last Monday?

Every day I tell myself: things are going to get better!  I am convinced.  I am convinced right up until I look at my bank account or answer the phone.  Oh, if I could just go to sleep.

BFF

I just got off the phone with my SissyPoo. She always makes my heart smile. It is amazing to me how friendship travels over time and tribulations to become the most glorious gift that life can possess. She even humored me and took down a pic from Facebook without heckling me. Now that's a friend!I went to Our Place http://www.covenantpalmbay.org/Articles/1000058968/Homeless_Shelter_Orientation.aspx tonight for the orientation. What a inspiration to reach out and help our brothers and sisters! Here is the scoop...when the weather is expected to drop below 45 degrees, they open a shelter for the homeless. They send out an email to their volunteers (me) requesting assistance to open the shelter and get the food cookin'. So, I signed up and I am truly elated. Ya know sometimes things just fall into place and you can just tell that it is God leading you. The older I get, the more I try to be a follower. ; ) They are in need of donations because the sleeping mats they have been using for years are beginning to disintegrate. Please, if you can, give. HisPlaceMinistries@yahoo.com (321) 674-9009

Blessings! Thank you for your help!

OK so....

I have no idea how to eloquently blog. How do you know what things are worthy of addressing? It appears that short and simple blogs are the best. I guess I will roll the dice. I love to get things off my chest. I admire the creative blogs of others. This is really what inspired me the most. I cannot stop thinking about Stephanie..."Nie Nie"...she was on Oprah not too long ago. She is a glowing, bright individual that has overcome so much. She has these beautiful children and is in love with her husband. I don't know anyone (except my grandparents) that are in love. I have many married friends and such but no one that still cares for one another. Sad isn't it? So I raise my proverbial glass to her! I pray that I can be like her when I "grow up".

Love

My grandparent's anniversary is Nov. 11th.

They will be married 64 years!